I have risen from the ashes of failure into a bird on fire, beautified by its renewal.
This will begin again, and I wash the last dirty week and every regained (around ten) pound from my hands. For my hands are now lovely, innocent feathers.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
And Holding.
144.4 AGAIN this morning. Said 143.8 yesterday. I don't get it. I only had about 450 yesterday. Dinner salad, miso soup, and a few bites of pineapple when I got home.
If I have ANY hope of being 139 by concert/anniversary on Friday night, I may have to break out the fasting... It may also be the only way to bust out this plateau. To be fair, when I tried that last Saturday I had more like 1200 calories, not 920. Maybe it just wasn't enough. I almost always fail at fasting, but for the sake of this concert and getting back on track... I may have to try.
Just until Thursday or Friday. I can. I can. I am the only thing stopping me. I must at least try. I have emergency food, just in case I feel sick, and just to know it's there.
But I must try.
If I have ANY hope of being 139 by concert/anniversary on Friday night, I may have to break out the fasting... It may also be the only way to bust out this plateau. To be fair, when I tried that last Saturday I had more like 1200 calories, not 920. Maybe it just wasn't enough. I almost always fail at fasting, but for the sake of this concert and getting back on track... I may have to try.
Just until Thursday or Friday. I can. I can. I am the only thing stopping me. I must at least try. I have emergency food, just in case I feel sick, and just to know it's there.
But I must try.
Monday, November 4, 2013
5 days and Counting...
5 more days of ABC until Concert/Anniversary is here. For the life of me I can't find ANYTHING to wear that looks good on me.
My weight is fluctuating up a bit from 143 due to just food weight, me thinks, and I sniffed a metabolism plateau again. Due to this (how my # haven't really budged in a few days and cold hands), I made Saturday my high calorie day again, just like last week (that worked brilliantly). I ate about 920 calories yesterday, all salad, GojiBerry raw nut bar, Greek yogurt light, etc. Nothing bad in site, just a hefty amount of calories. :(
At one point, I wasn't even hungry, but if I stayed at 750 calories or something, I don't know how much that would do to spike my metabolism. On this note, I did not weigh myself today, but yesterday I was still about 143.6 with food inside. Let's hope this gets the week moving on the right foot!
400 is allotted for today, including coffee this am, about 100 calories of grapes, 80 calorie light Greek yogurt, 100 calorie instant grits, 40 calorie miso soup later, and that will save me enough for an 80 calorie dinner salad. I usually eat a green salad with onion and reduced fat feta for a "greek" salad. Hopefully when I weigh tomorrow plateau will be broken.
I was feeling pretty unwell yesterday until I started with the lunch salad. After my afternoon eating time, I had enough energy to even go shopping, which was nice. At least I did some walking too! I found my #144 reward I set of a sweatsuit. I didn't like the VS Pink one I saw on me anyway, so I ended up getting Compression pants (cute look!) with a Hollister hoodie. It doesn't quite match, but oh well. It's nice to have. Even snuck in an awesome Hollister bag I found to sweeten the pot since I won't be getting teeth whitening and such, like I had on my rewards list.
Nice to be able to start getting things from accomplishments off my list. Only 4 more lbs roughly until my next stacker ring! I have a set of about 6stacker rings, and I wear one for every ten lbs I lose, to signify those ten lbs. :) I'm almost on to my second page of rewards. The first page was lbs 160-138. Second page is lbs 137-118. :) Maybe I'll buy the Florence Hoodie (128) and have something fun to look at to give me even more incentive. :)
Hasta Luego, until 142. :)
My weight is fluctuating up a bit from 143 due to just food weight, me thinks, and I sniffed a metabolism plateau again. Due to this (how my # haven't really budged in a few days and cold hands), I made Saturday my high calorie day again, just like last week (that worked brilliantly). I ate about 920 calories yesterday, all salad, GojiBerry raw nut bar, Greek yogurt light, etc. Nothing bad in site, just a hefty amount of calories. :(
At one point, I wasn't even hungry, but if I stayed at 750 calories or something, I don't know how much that would do to spike my metabolism. On this note, I did not weigh myself today, but yesterday I was still about 143.6 with food inside. Let's hope this gets the week moving on the right foot!
400 is allotted for today, including coffee this am, about 100 calories of grapes, 80 calorie light Greek yogurt, 100 calorie instant grits, 40 calorie miso soup later, and that will save me enough for an 80 calorie dinner salad. I usually eat a green salad with onion and reduced fat feta for a "greek" salad. Hopefully when I weigh tomorrow plateau will be broken.
I was feeling pretty unwell yesterday until I started with the lunch salad. After my afternoon eating time, I had enough energy to even go shopping, which was nice. At least I did some walking too! I found my #144 reward I set of a sweatsuit. I didn't like the VS Pink one I saw on me anyway, so I ended up getting Compression pants (cute look!) with a Hollister hoodie. It doesn't quite match, but oh well. It's nice to have. Even snuck in an awesome Hollister bag I found to sweeten the pot since I won't be getting teeth whitening and such, like I had on my rewards list.
Nice to be able to start getting things from accomplishments off my list. Only 4 more lbs roughly until my next stacker ring! I have a set of about 6stacker rings, and I wear one for every ten lbs I lose, to signify those ten lbs. :) I'm almost on to my second page of rewards. The first page was lbs 160-138. Second page is lbs 137-118. :) Maybe I'll buy the Florence Hoodie (128) and have something fun to look at to give me even more incentive. :)
Hasta Luego, until 142. :)
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Over and over
Was 143 last night before bed, and I munched a bit on pineapple and such, causing me to be 143.4 in what I imagine to be food weight. I was supposed to have 200 today, but instead had close to 500 by eating grits (100) for breakfast, a Greek salad (300) when J and I went out to lunch. Then had a few helpings of grapes I picked up at better health today. I can feel I won't be any lower on the scale than 143 tomorrow, or at least until I use the bathroom.
I want to continue on ABC until the concert, then I will refocus my plan after that to "another ten days" etc to get me through thanksgiving, or perhaps even a smaller goal than that "5 days" etc. I hope to come up with short term goal ideas tomorrow.
Friday, November 1, 2013
PM
143! Weighed when I got home around 6pm. I've hit my goal for the jogging outfit.
I ate a lot more than.I was supposed to today. didnt have the soup either. More like 450-500 than 100. I had a granola bar (200), then came home and had about 1c green beans, 1/2 a mango and some pineapple. I topped it off with almost a 40cal cup of skinny pop. I don't think I had over 500 though. Tomorrow is 200, but I always do so badly on the weekends. I'm nervous and I need a gameplan. Maybe I could spend the day hunting for outfits instead and have a nice salad.
143!
And The Winner Is...
144.4 :)
No food weight gained from last night's snack/dinner. 100 calories allotted for today, so I will just eat my beefy mushroom soup (normally 125) and skip all the meat bits, which I would imagine would cut out at least 25 calories of that soup, bringing me to 100.
Might have some chicken broth if I'm feeling cold, but oddly I haven't had that chill the last few days since the plateau was broken. My fingers are a bit chilled, but maybe it just helped to turn the heat up, or maybe it's because my metabolism was dormant. *shrugs* Either way, I'm glad things are going well for the last few days. I was getting discouraged.
My pants were ridiculously big on me that I haven't worn in a week or two, and the shirt that was uncomfortably tight is not today. Yay :)
I tried to find something yesterday to wear to the concert, but what can I wear when I'm still massive. Nothing will look good, not at this high of a weight. I'm glad to see my clothes at least are fitting differently. And my tan is coming along well. I think I should celebrate when I've lost 20 even lbs.
What shall I do, do you think?
No food weight gained from last night's snack/dinner. 100 calories allotted for today, so I will just eat my beefy mushroom soup (normally 125) and skip all the meat bits, which I would imagine would cut out at least 25 calories of that soup, bringing me to 100.
Might have some chicken broth if I'm feeling cold, but oddly I haven't had that chill the last few days since the plateau was broken. My fingers are a bit chilled, but maybe it just helped to turn the heat up, or maybe it's because my metabolism was dormant. *shrugs* Either way, I'm glad things are going well for the last few days. I was getting discouraged.
My pants were ridiculously big on me that I haven't worn in a week or two, and the shirt that was uncomfortably tight is not today. Yay :)
I tried to find something yesterday to wear to the concert, but what can I wear when I'm still massive. Nothing will look good, not at this high of a weight. I'm glad to see my clothes at least are fitting differently. And my tan is coming along well. I think I should celebrate when I've lost 20 even lbs.
What shall I do, do you think?
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Fat chance
Weighed at 6pm when I got home from work. 144.4 over a lb down from this morning. Yes. Which means I've lost almost 16lbs since Sept 24th, and also that I'm right on track for the holiday.
Didn't end up having the soup, just had about 1/2 a mango and 40 caps of skinny pop. I feel like I shouldn't have eaten so late, and I didn't even really want any food. I guess I felt if I didn't have something, I'd probably feel like crap tomorrow, and get shakey and stuff. I try to avoid that and it causes me to be bingey.
Still, Im overweight and a chunky cow, but I AM glad to see the # finally dropping after my plateau from hell. I'm wondering if I will be up tomorrow from eating so late at night?
Halloween
145.6!
Methinks plateau is broken; It's even another lb down from what it was when I went to bed late last night. I'm not glad that's my weight, cause oh but it is now so high, but I'm very glad it's going down and that the plateau as kicked rocks. Now maybe we can get somewhere.
400 allotted for day 4/11 ABC.
AM:
Coffee and fruit smoothie (150)
Lunch:
Apple/Cinnamon instant oatmeal (130)
Linner:
Beefy mushroom soup (125)
That's 405. Maybe I'll leave an extra bite of the oatmeal so I can make it an even 400. Another rainy Halloween, but I feel it will be a good one. :)
Missing my yoga. May try to make some time tonight for that.
Methinks plateau is broken; It's even another lb down from what it was when I went to bed late last night. I'm not glad that's my weight, cause oh but it is now so high, but I'm very glad it's going down and that the plateau as kicked rocks. Now maybe we can get somewhere.
400 allotted for day 4/11 ABC.
AM:
Coffee and fruit smoothie (150)
Lunch:
Apple/Cinnamon instant oatmeal (130)
Linner:
Beefy mushroom soup (125)
That's 405. Maybe I'll leave an extra bite of the oatmeal so I can make it an even 400. Another rainy Halloween, but I feel it will be a good one. :)
Missing my yoga. May try to make some time tonight for that.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Quick update
1. Though I was not my goal of #145, it did not influence the awesomeness of the concert.
2. My Halloween princess dress does not fit that I was supposed to wear tomorrow. Silly me, I should have realized it was a 4.
3. Even despite my tiny binge last night and eating more than my 300 allotted today, plateau broken! 146.6
It's not even a whole lb, but considering I'm past the stubborn weight and I even lost on my cycle at all, I'm a happy camper. Off to drool over Taylor Momsen's skinny perfection while I wait for my ambien to work.
2. My Halloween princess dress does not fit that I was supposed to wear tomorrow. Silly me, I should have realized it was a 4.
3. Even despite my tiny binge last night and eating more than my 300 allotted today, plateau broken! 146.6
It's not even a whole lb, but considering I'm past the stubborn weight and I even lost on my cycle at all, I'm a happy camper. Off to drool over Taylor Momsen's skinny perfection while I wait for my ambien to work.
Skinny Jeans and Scarves
After I wrote that last night, I found myself with a clementine, craving pasta something fierce, ate a few peanuts, and then next I knew I was into the dried apricots, and then my face was in the peanut butter jar. I wouldn't call it a binge, except for the crazy amounts of calories that are in 2 spoonfuls of peanut butter that I ate. My state of mind was that of a binge though, so that is what we will call it. At least I denied the pasta craving. =(
I didn't weigh myself this morning, as all I felt was bloat. However, I've been in the bathroom all day with a sour stomach, and I'd have to guess (sorry for the TMI) most of it has been "released." I still have the sour stomach, so I'm guessing more bathroom time, but I don't feel anymore bloat or food weight.
Today I had coffee and a banana (105) along with my lunch being Progresso light chicken noodle soup (140). I'm set at the 300 cal limit today, and have a 40 cal miso soup packet waiting for me, but I just have been too lazy to make it or go out and get something else. When I think of the large scope of how slow my plateau is budging, it makes me very discouraged. I still have a feeling though that if I continue to follow ABC if nothing else, it always budges. I just need to be patient and get past the 500 cal starter days. I was silly to expect the plateau would budge on those days, since that's probably about how much I eat on a typical day anyway, if I'm not on a plan of any kind. I'm getting really worried about not making my goal for the holiday.
I guess after my cycle, it will show if I've dropped more than scale is reading right now. And maybe once I break this plateau it will fall off for a couple lbs. I'm hoping. I've never really run into such a problem but maybe once or twice. I've got that concert tonight, and I'm guessing I'm not #145 as hoped, but probably something like #147 or so. 8 days until anniversary/concert and 29 days until Thanksgiving. I must lose exactly a lb a day to be my goal weight by then, as I have 29 lbs to lose.
Le sigh.
I didn't weigh myself this morning, as all I felt was bloat. However, I've been in the bathroom all day with a sour stomach, and I'd have to guess (sorry for the TMI) most of it has been "released." I still have the sour stomach, so I'm guessing more bathroom time, but I don't feel anymore bloat or food weight.
Today I had coffee and a banana (105) along with my lunch being Progresso light chicken noodle soup (140). I'm set at the 300 cal limit today, and have a 40 cal miso soup packet waiting for me, but I just have been too lazy to make it or go out and get something else. When I think of the large scope of how slow my plateau is budging, it makes me very discouraged. I still have a feeling though that if I continue to follow ABC if nothing else, it always budges. I just need to be patient and get past the 500 cal starter days. I was silly to expect the plateau would budge on those days, since that's probably about how much I eat on a typical day anyway, if I'm not on a plan of any kind. I'm getting really worried about not making my goal for the holiday.
I guess after my cycle, it will show if I've dropped more than scale is reading right now. And maybe once I break this plateau it will fall off for a couple lbs. I'm hoping. I've never really run into such a problem but maybe once or twice. I've got that concert tonight, and I'm guessing I'm not #145 as hoped, but probably something like #147 or so. 8 days until anniversary/concert and 29 days until Thanksgiving. I must lose exactly a lb a day to be my goal weight by then, as I have 29 lbs to lose.
Le sigh.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Maths
Apple cinnamon granola bar (140), yogurt with strawberries (100), tomato soup (135), tomato soup (160), mango (150), and because I felt sick a plain bagel (220). Awesome. So much for 500 calories.
And We're Gonna Let it Burn
I don't have much to update. I'm freezing. It's about 42 degrees outside, but there has been a chill in my bones all week that I can't make go away no matter how high I turn the heater up to. I will have to buy some warm things today for I fear I may frost over or my fingers fall off.
Was still 147.4, but at least that reading of 149 something was an error. That's what I was after work last night, and again this morning. I started my cycle this morning as well, so I'm guessing my weight may not budge until after it's gone (I hear that's normal, though I can't say I ever took notice before). Slept soundly finally last night, which was quite nice. I guess this may mean I don't know for sure if I've hit 145 for concert tomorrow, as I had planned, since the reading may not be too accurate due to cycle. I felt as though I'd been losing some inches at least, in my rib area and thighs and chest. This morning I noted a definitely loss of the pooch my tummy's been hanging onto, and it looked significantly more trim, so that was nice. Even my tan was quite even.
I feel like I cannot deal with work right now; This may be alot my own fault, not giving myself the energy to properly handle issues, but all yesterday I just wanted it to be over, and all today I feel as though problems are coming at me from every side. Work I've been putting off is catching up to being a big pile on my to-do list, when normally I'm all over it. I think hubs is kind of over hearing me be insecure all the time, he seems distant. I suppose he's often that way though.
Last night I just had a hot mug of chicken broth to warm me, and an unsolicited 50 cal fruit strip. So I guess I was about 550 instead of 500. It's my 2/11 ABC day, which is 500 again. This morning was coffee and a granola bar (same as yesterday) for 140 calories. Had a hot chicken broth mug and a mello yello zero (I don't often drink diet pop anymore, but it's an occasional treat). I've got a yogurt and soup for later in the work day, leaving me about 120 to have a mango tonight for dinner. (Mmm...)
I wish my weight wasn't so stubborn, and I wish I had hit my goal. Because of the way I look and the way my pants are fitting, I'm guessing maybe I did and it just isn't showing due to cycle weight perhaps? That's what I'm hoping.
I'm off to buy some warm things for an early lunch break at Meijer. I'm thinking maybe fingerless gloves, cuddledud thermals, and fuzzy socks. :) I may update later. Thinspo maybe? Wish anyone was following me, or reading this too. I could use some comments/encouragement!
Was still 147.4, but at least that reading of 149 something was an error. That's what I was after work last night, and again this morning. I started my cycle this morning as well, so I'm guessing my weight may not budge until after it's gone (I hear that's normal, though I can't say I ever took notice before). Slept soundly finally last night, which was quite nice. I guess this may mean I don't know for sure if I've hit 145 for concert tomorrow, as I had planned, since the reading may not be too accurate due to cycle. I felt as though I'd been losing some inches at least, in my rib area and thighs and chest. This morning I noted a definitely loss of the pooch my tummy's been hanging onto, and it looked significantly more trim, so that was nice. Even my tan was quite even.
I feel like I cannot deal with work right now; This may be alot my own fault, not giving myself the energy to properly handle issues, but all yesterday I just wanted it to be over, and all today I feel as though problems are coming at me from every side. Work I've been putting off is catching up to being a big pile on my to-do list, when normally I'm all over it. I think hubs is kind of over hearing me be insecure all the time, he seems distant. I suppose he's often that way though.
Last night I just had a hot mug of chicken broth to warm me, and an unsolicited 50 cal fruit strip. So I guess I was about 550 instead of 500. It's my 2/11 ABC day, which is 500 again. This morning was coffee and a granola bar (same as yesterday) for 140 calories. Had a hot chicken broth mug and a mello yello zero (I don't often drink diet pop anymore, but it's an occasional treat). I've got a yogurt and soup for later in the work day, leaving me about 120 to have a mango tonight for dinner. (Mmm...)
I wish my weight wasn't so stubborn, and I wish I had hit my goal. Because of the way I look and the way my pants are fitting, I'm guessing maybe I did and it just isn't showing due to cycle weight perhaps? That's what I'm hoping.
I'm off to buy some warm things for an early lunch break at Meijer. I'm thinking maybe fingerless gloves, cuddledud thermals, and fuzzy socks. :) I may update later. Thinspo maybe? Wish anyone was following me, or reading this too. I could use some comments/encouragement!
Monday, October 28, 2013
It's 5 'O Clock Somewhere
I can't seem to get any sleep for the life of me. Not much anyway. This at least allowed me to get up according to the plan I had for the day. Said plan is to do the ABC for at 9-10 days, until the concert/anniversary I'm thinking. Since my loss has been stagnating a bit, I just want to make sure I lose as much as possible by then. When I look at the ABC in the scope of 50 days, it's sure to make me to fail. I've learned I need shorter goals to succeed, rather than a discouraging big picture. Anyways, also I wanted to pick up working out at the gym again (since I go there every day to tan anyways) and do yoga for relaxation, stretching, and toning (this is all to help wake up my metabolism). I mapped out the times I needed to do everything in order to get to work on time, and I was up over an hour earlier than that, which gave me some added "wake up time" that was nice.
What was odd was that the scale originally showed I didn't lose anything, 147.2. Then I stepped back on as I have occasion to do (3 times total), and the other two read 148.2... Say what now? As an added bonus, after I had a few cups of coffee and eggs, it read 149.2! *mouth open* There is no way I had 1lb of food weight in me, scrambled eggs to be exact... My husband felt bad and said I must be crazy, so he pulled out this other scale he has, and it in fact read even slightly higher. So which is right? Am I disillusioned that I was even as low as I was? I mean, weight cannot "materialize" can it? Who knows. All I'm focusing on is the day, or I'm on the fast track to failure. I know me, and my failure side isn't pretty. We aren't going there this holiday season.
My meal plan for today that I laid out last night is 500 calories on the nose, and it's a reasonable set of snacks so that I shouldn't have any dips in blood sugar too serious. I love yoga; It centers, calms, and distracts me so that everything feels in place at that moment. I would do it all day long if I had the option. I don't think about food, because it makes me feel calm and clean and focused. I may do AM and PM sessions. Problem is that when I get home, it doesn't leave me much time for things if I need to go to bed so early so as I can get up so early. I'm guessing (now that I don't have to stop to tan) it will go something like leave work at 5pm, arrive home about 5:20pm, cuddle hubs for a bit, maybe shower/bath at 6pm, have something warm to drink and do a pm yoga at 7pm, and bed by 8pm. Hopefully that is early enough to get up. When I take Walmart sleeping pills instead of Ambien, it makes it impossibly hard to get out of bed. But I've been over taking my ambien, since they've not been working, so I should avoid it. All other pills make me feel so awful on an empty stomach though. Maybe I should do the Walmart and the Ambien, who knows.
Today at work is going horrifically bad and it isn't even 10am. I have a good load of work to do, and already so many calls and problems. I feel like I can't deal today. Like I cannot stand the thought of being here this whole day. I want to run out the door and leave. I think I would do almost anything to, and since I can't I must just "be" and accept this day, change my attitude and make as much as I can of it. I'm starting my cycle today or tomorrow, and maybe that explains the sudden bloat and the sudden upset feelings. But it certainly has made my day much harder. I can't help but wonder why, when I'm being all but perfect I can't lose anything. At least not very fast. I'm guessing from my constantly freezing hands and fuzzy mind that my metabolism is so low it is napping. But what can I do? Now a bad day doesn't really make me want to binge, I'm not craving anything fried or gross. It just makes me want to be home in front of the TV. I guess little bits of sleep and little bits of food can do that.
I'm really hoping this is temporary weight, because it sets me back quite alot for the next short term goal of 145 by Wednesday concert (different concert). I'm fairly confident it is though, as I haven't had anything bad at all.
In other, perhaps lighter news I went to Plato's Closet to see if they had a VS Pink sweat suit like I had set for #144, but they didn't have anything I liked. Might hunt about Craigslist or Ebay. I'm not going to get my teeth whitened, as I had for (I think?) 145. Might exchange it for a manicure or something. Truth be told it is so exact on how much time I have left to lbs to lose ratio, I'm really worried I won't be my GW (#118) by Thanksgiving. But I suppose that's just my cycle's pessimism setting in. I. Must. Be.
At least if I follow ABC as much as I can I know I will lose a lb a day. That's close to guaranteed with that program. Just can't figure out why I'm so plateaued. Enough of this. On to a happier part to the day, because I feel my heart may explode with stress and sadness.
What was odd was that the scale originally showed I didn't lose anything, 147.2. Then I stepped back on as I have occasion to do (3 times total), and the other two read 148.2... Say what now? As an added bonus, after I had a few cups of coffee and eggs, it read 149.2! *mouth open* There is no way I had 1lb of food weight in me, scrambled eggs to be exact... My husband felt bad and said I must be crazy, so he pulled out this other scale he has, and it in fact read even slightly higher. So which is right? Am I disillusioned that I was even as low as I was? I mean, weight cannot "materialize" can it? Who knows. All I'm focusing on is the day, or I'm on the fast track to failure. I know me, and my failure side isn't pretty. We aren't going there this holiday season.
My meal plan for today that I laid out last night is 500 calories on the nose, and it's a reasonable set of snacks so that I shouldn't have any dips in blood sugar too serious. I love yoga; It centers, calms, and distracts me so that everything feels in place at that moment. I would do it all day long if I had the option. I don't think about food, because it makes me feel calm and clean and focused. I may do AM and PM sessions. Problem is that when I get home, it doesn't leave me much time for things if I need to go to bed so early so as I can get up so early. I'm guessing (now that I don't have to stop to tan) it will go something like leave work at 5pm, arrive home about 5:20pm, cuddle hubs for a bit, maybe shower/bath at 6pm, have something warm to drink and do a pm yoga at 7pm, and bed by 8pm. Hopefully that is early enough to get up. When I take Walmart sleeping pills instead of Ambien, it makes it impossibly hard to get out of bed. But I've been over taking my ambien, since they've not been working, so I should avoid it. All other pills make me feel so awful on an empty stomach though. Maybe I should do the Walmart and the Ambien, who knows.
Today at work is going horrifically bad and it isn't even 10am. I have a good load of work to do, and already so many calls and problems. I feel like I can't deal today. Like I cannot stand the thought of being here this whole day. I want to run out the door and leave. I think I would do almost anything to, and since I can't I must just "be" and accept this day, change my attitude and make as much as I can of it. I'm starting my cycle today or tomorrow, and maybe that explains the sudden bloat and the sudden upset feelings. But it certainly has made my day much harder. I can't help but wonder why, when I'm being all but perfect I can't lose anything. At least not very fast. I'm guessing from my constantly freezing hands and fuzzy mind that my metabolism is so low it is napping. But what can I do? Now a bad day doesn't really make me want to binge, I'm not craving anything fried or gross. It just makes me want to be home in front of the TV. I guess little bits of sleep and little bits of food can do that.
I'm really hoping this is temporary weight, because it sets me back quite alot for the next short term goal of 145 by Wednesday concert (different concert). I'm fairly confident it is though, as I haven't had anything bad at all.
In other, perhaps lighter news I went to Plato's Closet to see if they had a VS Pink sweat suit like I had set for #144, but they didn't have anything I liked. Might hunt about Craigslist or Ebay. I'm not going to get my teeth whitened, as I had for (I think?) 145. Might exchange it for a manicure or something. Truth be told it is so exact on how much time I have left to lbs to lose ratio, I'm really worried I won't be my GW (#118) by Thanksgiving. But I suppose that's just my cycle's pessimism setting in. I. Must. Be.
At least if I follow ABC as much as I can I know I will lose a lb a day. That's close to guaranteed with that program. Just can't figure out why I'm so plateaued. Enough of this. On to a happier part to the day, because I feel my heart may explode with stress and sadness.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Careless Whispers
Just an update from today. 147.2 this morning and evening after all meals :). Let's take a moment to cheer to that.
Onto the day, my parents decided impromptu to go to a buffet. I was good though, I had a bit of field greens with italian dressing, half an Orange, 2 slices pineapple, and 6 sushi rolls with a few bites of egg drop soup.
At home I had a small bowl of miso soup (40), light yogurt (80), a fruit tummy strip (50) and a granola bar (90). Along with a glass or two of 50 cal Orange juice. I can see it seems like a lot, but I am very proud of staying so.good at the buffett.
I'm starting ABC for about a week or so tomorrow, along with exercising if I could ever fall asleep. Tomorrow will be 500 cals exactly.
Off to dreamland. Will check in more thoroughly tomorrow.
Xxx
Raine
Cold Hands, Warm Heart
Good morning. Good night? I've taken another ambien, though I realized since I can't sleep in until when ever I like it may not be the best choice. That's my 3rd one to just try and make it through the night and get some sleep. In the mean time I'm going to sip some warn chicken broth with a blanket, wait for my third ambien to sedate me, and blog to you while my husband is asleep.
This weekend has been fine - far better than more recent weekends in the self control department. J surprised me Friday after work with an impromptu "going out" dinner, which is very unlike him. He chose a Mexican restaurant, and apologized later when he realized there is absolutely nothing there that I could choose from for what I eat.Before we left I checked at I was still 148.2 as I was that morning; I purged at the restaurant and again in the shower when we got home. After all this in the evening I stayed 148.2, so I imagine all the food weight was accounted for. In the morning I was 148.4, probably water retention from all the food purging. After all was settled back down last night, I had some kiwi, yogurt, and a small salad with feta cheese and onion to try to raise my blood sugar or fix my over all "crap" feeling I've been getting after a purge. It's almost like a dizziness, though I can't say for sure that I was "dizzy."
Saturday (148.2) was just fine with more cheese eggs and coffee for breakfast, along with a kiwi (245 cal). After that I had some fun at Better Health Market, picking up my favorite things for the next week. I'm going to try papaya for the first time. I got a green fruit and spinach smoothie while I was shopping there (so good), and got the fixings for an organic, vegan, ana-would-approve cabbage soup.That turned out quote well (100? cal). Also, I had this granola bar that was raw gojiberri and nuts, etc. I think that was like 320cal (yikes) but I didn't at all feel hungry after I ate it. So let's count:
245
300
320
100
-----
965 yikes! And those are just estimates! Everything was raw foods/juices, or organic.I see I must be more judicious along the way. I realized last night that today is the DAY. I must be PERFECT if I want to hit my goal weight in time for Thanksgiving. And I MUST. Be my goal weight. Even if I'm not Sarah's weight.... it will be enough. It won't be all about her, and I can take 'my thing' back. She stole it.I was the sick one, and before I knew what was happening, she got thinner. Now she's always looked at like the sick one, though she's never told her self 'no' on anything she wanted her entire life. She's not sick, she's just egocentric. Well, come when we meet eyes on Thanksgiving, I intend to known her down a few begs and claim back my sick throne.I have suffered it 10 years... She has reveled only in the attention it got her to be thin.
I have a workout plan I'm finishing up today. I'll will post it to you when I have the chance. but if I have a dream of being GW by this holiday and I MUST MUST MUST MUST MUST.,,, then I must begin yoga and exercises too.
I will be perfect. I hope any of this makes sense through the fog of ambien. I hope to go back to bed now. Just wanted to update you while I have the chance.
This weekend has been fine - far better than more recent weekends in the self control department. J surprised me Friday after work with an impromptu "going out" dinner, which is very unlike him. He chose a Mexican restaurant, and apologized later when he realized there is absolutely nothing there that I could choose from for what I eat.Before we left I checked at I was still 148.2 as I was that morning; I purged at the restaurant and again in the shower when we got home. After all this in the evening I stayed 148.2, so I imagine all the food weight was accounted for. In the morning I was 148.4, probably water retention from all the food purging. After all was settled back down last night, I had some kiwi, yogurt, and a small salad with feta cheese and onion to try to raise my blood sugar or fix my over all "crap" feeling I've been getting after a purge. It's almost like a dizziness, though I can't say for sure that I was "dizzy."
Saturday (148.2) was just fine with more cheese eggs and coffee for breakfast, along with a kiwi (245 cal). After that I had some fun at Better Health Market, picking up my favorite things for the next week. I'm going to try papaya for the first time. I got a green fruit and spinach smoothie while I was shopping there (so good), and got the fixings for an organic, vegan, ana-would-approve cabbage soup.That turned out quote well (100? cal). Also, I had this granola bar that was raw gojiberri and nuts, etc. I think that was like 320cal (yikes) but I didn't at all feel hungry after I ate it. So let's count:
245
300
320
100
-----
965 yikes! And those are just estimates! Everything was raw foods/juices, or organic.I see I must be more judicious along the way. I realized last night that today is the DAY. I must be PERFECT if I want to hit my goal weight in time for Thanksgiving. And I MUST. Be my goal weight. Even if I'm not Sarah's weight.... it will be enough. It won't be all about her, and I can take 'my thing' back. She stole it.I was the sick one, and before I knew what was happening, she got thinner. Now she's always looked at like the sick one, though she's never told her self 'no' on anything she wanted her entire life. She's not sick, she's just egocentric. Well, come when we meet eyes on Thanksgiving, I intend to known her down a few begs and claim back my sick throne.I have suffered it 10 years... She has reveled only in the attention it got her to be thin.
I have a workout plan I'm finishing up today. I'll will post it to you when I have the chance. but if I have a dream of being GW by this holiday and I MUST MUST MUST MUST MUST.,,, then I must begin yoga and exercises too.
I will be perfect. I hope any of this makes sense through the fog of ambien. I hope to go back to bed now. Just wanted to update you while I have the chance.
Friday, October 25, 2013
2nd Steps
It is my second post - Second day of accountability.
So yesterday I had something like an English toffee cappuccino, a 10 calorie Rockstar energy drink (I usually never drink these due to all the chemicals, but I thought I'd give it a try), and I attempted a protein smoothie from Naked Juice, but it was horrifically chalky (peh). I was feeling pretty frustrated at my plateau, and how my weight hasn't shifted to even a tenth of a pound in a bit (impatient I am), so I thought on the idea of trying to jump it with a crap dinner.
I thought on it for awhile, so as to protect from a binge, and decided to have the alfredo tortellini with peas I admittedly crave quite often. After so long of purging, at times it seems to just come up on me on its own. I would have gotten rid of it, but it made me sick in this instance anyway by itself. I checked my weight before eating at the end of the day, and I had at least budged the tenth and lost .6lbs (putting me now at 149.8 to 149.2). I suppose I must have done all I needed to from dinner, as I was still 149.2 this morning.
I must say, I felt quite crap after last night though. Don't get me wrong, I felt wonderful to have my body be rid of the dirty, heavy feeling it was giving me, but my body felt very weary and unwell, compared to when I usually purge. I tried to raise my blood sugar quickly with a small light yogurt, kiwi, and clementine, but it felt like it was dropping into a hole and not doing much good. Glad I didn't gain any, and I'm glad I at least budged that obnoxious .8 number at last.
Today has been simple. I had no inclination to binge as sometimes happens after a purge last night so I've been on track, but feeling weak today. I had some black coffee and cheese eggs this morning (200 cal, trying to get some protein to make it through the day). A few bites of dry roasted edamame (45 cal), water (zeroooo cal), a Greek protein yogurt (80 cal), and lite chicken noodle Progresso soup (140 cal). I'm glad I'm writing these things out, cause lately I haven't been quite as aware as the total calories I'm consuming, and this will help keep me straight. I'm at 2:45 (almost end of the work day) and had 465. Meh. Guess it will be a light dinner. Was hoping to keep it at 400 cals today, it may end up being more like 500-550.
Today I have my next reward in my mind's eye: Victoria's Secret Pink jogging sweatsuit or Maybe Hollister yoga outfit.
So yesterday I had something like an English toffee cappuccino, a 10 calorie Rockstar energy drink (I usually never drink these due to all the chemicals, but I thought I'd give it a try), and I attempted a protein smoothie from Naked Juice, but it was horrifically chalky (peh). I was feeling pretty frustrated at my plateau, and how my weight hasn't shifted to even a tenth of a pound in a bit (impatient I am), so I thought on the idea of trying to jump it with a crap dinner.
I thought on it for awhile, so as to protect from a binge, and decided to have the alfredo tortellini with peas I admittedly crave quite often. After so long of purging, at times it seems to just come up on me on its own. I would have gotten rid of it, but it made me sick in this instance anyway by itself. I checked my weight before eating at the end of the day, and I had at least budged the tenth and lost .6lbs (putting me now at 149.8 to 149.2). I suppose I must have done all I needed to from dinner, as I was still 149.2 this morning.
I must say, I felt quite crap after last night though. Don't get me wrong, I felt wonderful to have my body be rid of the dirty, heavy feeling it was giving me, but my body felt very weary and unwell, compared to when I usually purge. I tried to raise my blood sugar quickly with a small light yogurt, kiwi, and clementine, but it felt like it was dropping into a hole and not doing much good. Glad I didn't gain any, and I'm glad I at least budged that obnoxious .8 number at last.
Today has been simple. I had no inclination to binge as sometimes happens after a purge last night so I've been on track, but feeling weak today. I had some black coffee and cheese eggs this morning (200 cal, trying to get some protein to make it through the day). A few bites of dry roasted edamame (45 cal), water (zeroooo cal), a Greek protein yogurt (80 cal), and lite chicken noodle Progresso soup (140 cal). I'm glad I'm writing these things out, cause lately I haven't been quite as aware as the total calories I'm consuming, and this will help keep me straight. I'm at 2:45 (almost end of the work day) and had 465. Meh. Guess it will be a light dinner. Was hoping to keep it at 400 cals today, it may end up being more like 500-550.
Today I have my next reward in my mind's eye: Victoria's Secret Pink jogging sweatsuit or Maybe Hollister yoga outfit.
I'm supposed to receive that when I hit #144, but of course I first want to be sure I'm at least at #145 for the concert on Wednesday, 10/30. I don't think it will be a problem, as long as I eat a few less calories and break this plateau stagnation. It might be best to do ABC for a few days just to wake it up. I'll see what I want to do after I see what the scale says tonight, if I've lost in the morning, etc.
"You can't choose what stays and what fades away." - Florence and the Machine
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Genesis
Innumerable blogs and journals. What's another? I enjoy reading the blogs of others travelling my same path of eating disorders - Those who are saddened by it, though relish and protect it. If I am encouraged by reading their path, perhaps writing my own out may also help. If nothing else, it may create a dome of accountability that I otherwise would not have in my personal and penned accounts.
I have a shorter journey than I used to.
HW: 174
LW: 107
CW: 149.8
GW1: 118
I bounce around quite alot, and though I despise that I let my current weight get back to where it is after marriage, it is time to take control and begin again. Around this time last year, my stable weight was about 124 before it began going back up. I have lost about 10 lbs since I began taking back control, for I was already up to #160 again before I pulled the reigns taut. Holiday time is my motivation.
This is the year. I love holidays with ever fiber of my soul. There is always a nagging failure keeping me from fully enjoying them; I know that they will have come and gone, and I could not love them and be comfortable because some food was more important than spending the holiday at my goal weight... Than the pure joy and peace that would come from feeling as close to perfect as I ever may. So this is my journey of increments. The journey of a thousand miles and my thousand single steps. I will not spend THIS years' holidays feeling that way...Will. Not.
Here are the short/long term goals:
-6 days until a concert with a friend: I've been working on being at least 145# for this (at a plateau).
-7 days until Halloween: #144, and also hits the mark for a reward
-14 days until my 6 month anniversary and most anticipated concert date of the year: #134, a number I shall discuss at another time.
-35days until Thanksgiving: GW (#118), it is going to be very, very tight.
-60 days until Christmas Eve: To at LEAST maintain my #118, or perhaps by then I will have a new goal (hmm...)
I've noted that I do better with short goals to look at with short term rewards, then to only have the discouraging big picture. It helps to know I HAVE been there many times, which means I've GOTTEN there many times, and that I feel so much better when I've arrived. It can be done, it has been done, and it will be done. #118 is still allusive to me but maybe once or twice, and I cannot recall what it feels or looks like. But that's where I will be. I have a list of rewards that I may share in an upcoming post, or perhaps as I hit them. My main goal for right now, is to make sure I hit #145 by the concert/girls night out. That leaves me with 4.8lbs in 6 days. Today I'm trying to decide if I should break my plateau or continue with my liquid intake.
Please follow my journey; The road is easier to travel with friends beside me.
I have a shorter journey than I used to.
HW: 174
LW: 107
CW: 149.8
GW1: 118
I bounce around quite alot, and though I despise that I let my current weight get back to where it is after marriage, it is time to take control and begin again. Around this time last year, my stable weight was about 124 before it began going back up. I have lost about 10 lbs since I began taking back control, for I was already up to #160 again before I pulled the reigns taut. Holiday time is my motivation.
This is the year. I love holidays with ever fiber of my soul. There is always a nagging failure keeping me from fully enjoying them; I know that they will have come and gone, and I could not love them and be comfortable because some food was more important than spending the holiday at my goal weight... Than the pure joy and peace that would come from feeling as close to perfect as I ever may. So this is my journey of increments. The journey of a thousand miles and my thousand single steps. I will not spend THIS years' holidays feeling that way...Will. Not.
Here are the short/long term goals:
-6 days until a concert with a friend: I've been working on being at least 145# for this (at a plateau).
-7 days until Halloween: #144, and also hits the mark for a reward
-14 days until my 6 month anniversary and most anticipated concert date of the year: #134, a number I shall discuss at another time.
-35days until Thanksgiving: GW (#118), it is going to be very, very tight.
-60 days until Christmas Eve: To at LEAST maintain my #118, or perhaps by then I will have a new goal (hmm...)
I've noted that I do better with short goals to look at with short term rewards, then to only have the discouraging big picture. It helps to know I HAVE been there many times, which means I've GOTTEN there many times, and that I feel so much better when I've arrived. It can be done, it has been done, and it will be done. #118 is still allusive to me but maybe once or twice, and I cannot recall what it feels or looks like. But that's where I will be. I have a list of rewards that I may share in an upcoming post, or perhaps as I hit them. My main goal for right now, is to make sure I hit #145 by the concert/girls night out. That leaves me with 4.8lbs in 6 days. Today I'm trying to decide if I should break my plateau or continue with my liquid intake.
Please follow my journey; The road is easier to travel with friends beside me.
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